Friday, September 02, 2016

It's the circle of life; I mean friends

Circle of friends, or friendship circle. Sounds like some kinda weird hippy movement or something right? Don't worry it's not. It's more like an intervention/group therapy session.

So a few weeks back, my friends and I held our first friendship circle. And really, it's something I think all group of friends should do, even if it's only the once.

Now I know, especially with us ladies, we all have that friend, who we love with all our hearts but there always seems to be an issue with. Whether it be the friend that is ALWAYS late, or the friend that always miscommunicates with everyone, the constant flopper, or the rude bitch (the last one is probably me). And now usually, the issue is a minor but when, it starts to escalate and affect the whole group of friends, it's time to sort it out.

My main group of girls & I, have known each other and been friends since year 7 when we were tender little waste men. Year 7 till now, that's 11 to 22, and over 10 years of friendship. I've always said, no matter who I make friends with now, no-one will ever know me as well, and as long as they have. It's harder from me to remember a time when they weren't in my life.

When you've been friends with someone for almost half your life, it's easy to try and just brush certain things under the carpet & be like oh that's just typical so and so behaviour. But there's only so long you can brush stuff under the carpet before you start to trip over it & that's what friendship circle is about.

It's not about blasting or attacking your friends, it's about honesty and laying your cards on the table. It's about trying to save and continuously improve on something that me personally, I cherish. Don't be afraid of friendship circle, it shows you care & the friendship is not something you wanna lose. It's a time to share your feelings and woes, and let someone know what's up. At the same time being ready, and open to potentially being told that maybe you're contributing to the issue. Glass mirrors and all that. No friendship is perfect and no-one is perfect, but that's what makes a friendship; acceptance of you, for who you are.

My best friend, said something so gay bit soo true 'technically we date our friends & sometimes we just need couples counselling as friends' and if you think about it, it's true, practically everything (I said practically, so you know what I'm hinting at) you would do with your boyfriend/girlfriend, you do with your friends. If you were married to someone & they done something to constantly rub you up the wrong way, you wouldn't just divorce them. Or at least I hope not, you'd sit down as mature adults and discuss and work through your problems. As a group friends, it's worth taking the same approach. No-one wants to lose a friend (unless they are the devil incarnation, in which case...)

Friendship is soo important to me, after your family, friends are the next most important relationships in your life, hell some friends are family.

So guys & girls, if you have a friend were issues that are being really affect you, don't be stubborn. Let your friend know whats up, harboring unspoken feelings and letting them fester, will not help anything and can make something which is more likely minor, implode.

So Just Smile :)
AK x

Sunday, July 03, 2016

No Drama June. Yeah Right...

Following a few months, of a series of literal 'WTF', 'Are you being serious?' and 'Is this even life?' moments. Amina & I, decided that the month of June would be called 'No Drama June' and we were deadly seriously. 

 We didn't want to entertain no drama, no Faisal's or Felicia's, no nothing but chilling, relaxing and drama free moments. BUT LOL, come on this is Amina & I, the way our lives are set up, just LOL. The universe clearly heard 'Drama June' and didn't respect us at all. We should have known No Drama June would have been an epic fail and boy was it...

We were so excited to start No Drama June, after months of breakups, fuckboys/Faisal's, the return of ex boyfriends/links, exams at university, ex's having babies, depression, anxiety, counselling and so much  more other, is this life moments. No drama June turned out to be the WORST month of my entire life.

I swear the universe was fucking with us, it tricked us into believing we could have a drama free month. It was like haha jokes on you! The first couple days started so well, then boom one week into No Drama June (07/06/16 to be precise) my world ended, as the love of my life, my Granddad passed. 

What did June end up having for us; 
Exam stress/doubts
Friends moving away
Weight gain - I literally became a baby dolphin
People who you thought were gonna be there for you ghosting
Unrequited feelings from unexpected/unwanted people
Many violations of the friend-zone agreement
PettinessLots of little bumps in the road
More ex's & their stupid ass drama
Family issues
Nanny being ill
Friend's drama

However, it did teach me, well more remind me; life is full of unexpected drama. It's inevitable; you'd be a fool to think you were going to avoid them. It's not about avoiding or shying away from drama it's about how you deal with it. Sometimes, even unintentionally people entertain drama and therefore, things are even more dramatic, and situations can escalate into something so big and complicated, for no reason at all. No drama June definitely helped remind me, drama is everywhere, it's unavoidable, especially in the society we live in today. It also reminded me that, support and happiness, can come from the most unexpected sources, and sometimes it's normal to be a little dramatic. 

But in spite of it being the worst month of my life - as cliché as it sounds, every cloud has a silver lining. By the end of June, I had found out that I would be graduating university with a FIRST CLASS degree and Amina had passed all her exams and is about to progress on to her final year of university - amazing considering the day before my last exam I was at a BBQ until 1 am and, Amina & I, spent a lot of the revision period, relaxing, eating and watching TV!

And although the death of my Granddad hit me like a rock, on the plus side, nothing for a long time can ever cause me so much pain, and the only direction is up! If we can get through No Drama June, unscathed, the world the is literally our oyster; and together we can do anything. 

Overall, No Drama June was nothing like we expected, but everything we should have expected. 

So remember, despite all the drama and stress life may bring your way, Never stop smiling :)

AK x

Saturday, April 23, 2016

What almost losing my best friend taught me

So, a few months ago now I went through something that is perhaps worst than a break up. I almost lost my best friend. 
Well not quite, but few a good few weeks, it really did feel like I've lost my best friend. It was honestly one of the worst feeling ever. I'm sure, it hurt more than my one and only heartbreak - which if you haven't read about click here :) 
 It's soo cheesy but I can still remember the first day my best friend & I met in year 7, and even cheesier is I remember the day our 'best friendship' was confirmed. We was in year 9, it was my birthday and we met on 69 bus to go to school. She gave me card, and when I opened it, it said 'To my Best Friend On Her Birthday' and that was that. I think, one of the things I appreciated most was the gradual process of us becoming best friends, because it was a process, it was wasn't one of those, met her today and we are best friends tomorrow. We built up a solid foundation of friendship, understanding and trust, that led us to a place where now, 8 years later we are still best friend (been friends for about 10 years though - rah that's long when I write it down, it almost half my life). But I love it, I love when I bump into old school or even college friends and they look soo shocked when I tell them yeah we still speak. 

Anyway, brief history lesson done and fast forward to a few months ago. Without getting into it too tough, we hit a rough patch in our friendship, that I honestly wasn't sure we were going to get over. Thankfully we did (thanks to a smidgen of help from my 3 amazing mates Myra, Khads & Kamau). But the process of almost losing my best friend definitely taught me a few things.

One important thing I learnt was about myself and realised I need work on is the fact I'm slyly passive aggressive - heck I'm super passive aggressive and extremely sarcastic. That's not always good. It makes me hard to read, as often I'll say one thing but my body language and tone of voice is screaming the opposite. Plus my passive aggression often results in me insulting you through 'jokes' and constant sly digs. Which can plant seeds of doubt in people's head. It got to the point where I contributed, to my best friend feeling like she was a rubbish friend to me - which was the furthest thing from the truth. And even worse, when she told me, it made me feel like I was super rubbish friend.

Another important thing I learnt is when it comes to those you love and care about. There is NO place for stubbornness or pride. Ultimately it will be your down fall. Never ever, ever, let your stubbornness and pride get in the way of your friendships and relationships. I used to act like I didn't care as a defense and coping mechanism. But pretending not to care will honestly back fire - if you act like you don't care, others will eventually stop caring too. But you'll end up the one feeling it the most. I can guarantee that. As someone once said 'it's okay to lose your pride over someone you love, but never lose someone you love over your pride'  

But when friendships run deep, and you have a fresh and annoying best friend like mine; combined with the fact that I am also equally as fresh and annoying there's no getting rid. As many of my friends can account for - once we friends that's it. There's no going back. You are stuck with me life, whether you like it or not.

This whole thing has taught most importantly showing that you do have feelings, voicing your concerns and is soo important because them pent up feelings manifest themselves in ways you'd not even realise. Made me appreciate my best friend soo much more and really 1000% confirmed the notion that she is more than my best friend. She is my sister and my soul mate, my future children's Aunty/Godmother and someone who means soo much more to me than I could ever describe. She is someone who just gets me, I never have to try, force it or hid anything from. In fact, I think she's my boyfriend LOL. 

I guess its starting to be clear that I am a slight Disney fanatic. Anyway, the friendship between Tod (The Fox) and Cooper (The Hound) is the cutest thing. Total opposites but that doesn't stop them from sharing a bond, that if you've seen the movie is lifelong, despite the obstacles they had to face.

Plus do you know how awkward it is when no-one realizes you are in an awkward place with your best friend, and friends and family are constantly asking about her. Yeah that's no fun. I'm all like 'yeah, erm she's alive, just at at uni and work.' These times in my head I'm thinking, 'please shut up and stop asking me question as I have no idea.'

In this generation, with social media impacting our lives so much, it is important to remember we live in the real world. Just because, you see all these 'squad and friendship goals' all over FB, SC and Insta, doesn't mean that's what you have to aspire too. I constantly see picture of all these girls and their so-called best friends, but all they do is tun up and go on holiday, and you have to think is this a real friendship? A friendship to me is, someone who is always there to support you in your highest and lowest moments, someone who pushes and encourages you; someone who see all the good and potential in you, even when your struggling to see the light; someone who you can laugh, cry, sing, dance and nap with. Someone who will always keep it 100% with you, tell you stuff even if you don't wanna hear it, someone who you can tell your deepest, darkest and most disgusting secrets (the latter of which I have MANYYY) without worrying about it getting out to the world. Someone who you unequivocally, without a doubt, trust with your life.  A friendship to me, is all this and more. If you have a person in your life that, that all the friendship goals you need. Those are real friends you need to cherish. Don't worry about what you seen portrayed on social media, most of it is fake or super exaggerated. As long as you are happy and comfortable with the friendship you have your BFF and other friends, that all that matters.

So this is dedicated to my best friend. This is dedicated to Amina. I love you. I don't even think you know how much you inspire me & how confident you make me feel. I will forever cherish and persevere our friendship. Not many people can make me laugh the way you do - laugh until I cry, can't breathe and simultaneously fart. It's gross. And that's the note I'm ending on lol!

LOOL! I had too. A little throwback from, I think this might have actually been maybe year 9. I don't even know, We have definitely had our 'glo up' now.  

P.S: All my other friends who may read this, I love ya'll too & I appreciate the individualness of each our friendships!

So remember, keep smiling! And if you haven't let your best friend(s) know you love and cherish them in a while, do it now! I promise, it will mean soo much to them, then you could imagine.

Tuesday, March 08, 2016

At Least Out Loud I Won't Say I'm in Love

For anyone that knows me, they all know for years I've always firmly denied that I've ever
been in love. But I think that's because I know I was always in denial and didn't wanna admit the truth.

Everyone, both girls and guys will always have that one person they always seem to be drawn back to, no matter how many years have gone past or what's happened. Some people may be lucky that their person is decent. I unfortunately have a troll. And it's hard to explain to your friends. Despite the fact that I know they all have their one person, when they hear about my situation they always judge because they know I deserve much better but it's easier said than done.

So, guys. It's finally time to admit the truth. As I'm writing this I can feel the tears trickling down my face. When I was 16/17 I met a boy. Even though it was 5 years ago. I still remember the very first time I saw him, I turned to my best friend and said 'This is the most beautiful boy I've ever seen' and that was the start. The start of 5 long years of disappointment, in not only him but myself and 5 long years of heartbreak. J was a good guy, he just weren't that good to me. He had me dangling on a cliff edge, waiting for him to finally pick me, but he never did. I managed to do it myself. When I first met J, I was young and naïve. I think that contributed to why I fell in love him. I'm not even sure, why, how or when I fell in love with him. But love is unpredictable, random and makes no sense, it just creeps up on you when you least expect it.

After a few months of 'talking' on BBM *cringe* and a couple 'links' I remember once asking him, if I’ll ever be his girlfriend and I remember his reply of ‘I’m not ready for a relationship yet, I wanna stop smoking, get a car and save some money.’ As I said I was young and naïve. I believed him and I thought if I wanted long enough, he would eventually be ready for a relationship and ready to be with me.

But was, I wrong. Now I am older and look back on it, I can’t believe how stupid I was. To the point, I wasn't dating anyone else proper, would be dating people but still talking to and thinking about J, comparing them to him. Subconsciously, I think I messed up a few potential relationships because of fantasies I had about him & I. Heck I would even cut some off for J, when unbeknownst to me, pretty much the whole time I knew him, he had/has a girlfriend (*sighs* I won't go into too much detail but he only told me, 3 and a half years after we first met, but by then I was in love him, hence why it took me another year and half to get to this point. That, and now he is about to be a Dad. A big fat wake up call for sure).

This situation with J has taught me soo much. The biggest thing I learnt, was that if someone isn’t ready for you now, don’t wait. There's a high chance they’ll never be ready, especially not a for a relationship with you. Most people don't always think they are ready for a relationship, but when the right one comes along, they'll realise they were ready all along, just needed the right person. I wasn't the right person for J. Nothing I could do or say and no matter how long I waited, would change that. 

By why now? Well I've recently completed an 8 week course of counselling and started mediation, and it's really help clarify things in my head. Its helped me focus on what is important and what's not. I really evaluated a lot of things in my life, including the situations I focus, which I probably shouldn't focus on. Most importantly, its given me the tools to cope with certain situations and recognize when certain situations aren't beneficial to me. My love for J is one of them. So it's time to set our story free, close the book and say goodbye. Plus, its officially spring time; what better time to have a clear out of the house and the mind. This topic has been gathering dust in my heart and mind and it's take to clear it out, move on and to make space for new and hopefully better things.

So going back to my original statement. Have I ever been in love? Yes? Will I ever admit it? No! What I had with J wasn't love. And I'm not, not admitting out of shame but because I don't want to associate love with those feelings. What I had for J wasn't normal, it wasn't the right type or even real love. Most of the time I'm not even sure it was ever reciprocated. Love shouldn't feel like that. Love shouldn't make me feel confused, worthless, unsure or sad. So when I fall in love for the first time I want it to feel good, the way it should. I don't want my love for someone else to be tainted by the confusion love I had for J.

This basically sums up how I feel about J. 
Despite all the lies and hurts he's caused me, I have some wonderful memories of him. Despite every iota of my body, and my friends telling me I should hate him. I just don't. I can't and I don't think I ever will. But I'm glad. Hate always ends up consuming and affecting the person who is hating. I don’t want to be bitter. If I hate J, I’ll never be able to move on with my life and forget him. If I was to hate him that hate in my heart would take away from the love I could be giving to someone who deserves and wants it. Hate for him, might mean I project some of that hate onto future partners. Blaming them for stuff, they didn't do because I'm thinking and comparing them to J, and I don’t want that. And most importantly hating him won’t affect him at all. Hating him won't make him leave his girlfriend and soon to be baby. I wouldn't even want him now anyway. The best revenge is moving on, being happy and focusing on me.

The only sad thing is. Despite the fact I'm not currently talking to him. I know I'll never forget him, he'll always have a tiny place in my heart, simply for the fact he was my first love. I'm not even sure, I'll never not speak to him again. Even though that's what my head (and friends) all say I should do, my stupid heart doesn't listen.

And the lifelong battle head vs heart ensues. Normally I'm the biggest advocator for listening to your heart but in this case, I'm really hoping, eventually my head wins. But I feel happier and stronger in myself, to know I deserve better. J doesn't deserve me and I don't need him. I don't want to go back to that situation. I miss him like crazy at the moment but I'll get over it. I feel I'm finally in the place to let go, move on and spread my wings and open my arms and heart for future love. I'm ready to say goodbye.

On the plus side, this post has allowed me to use all the meme's I've had saved from one of my favourite Disney songs from Hercules (which is also one my favourites)

Ever been in denial about love? Tell me your experiences of love. Whether you're in love, nursing a heartbreak or somewhere in the middle like me, never forget to smile :)

AK x

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Sweet Home Dominica

 It's been quite cold in London these last few weeks, and I've been feeling a little under the weather and down, so I can't help, like anyone daydream about summer. I don't know anyone who doesn't love summer. It's definitely one of the best times of the year. But I'm not sure how summer '16 will ever exceed summer '15. Last summer, I finally had the amazing opportunity to go back home, to the country I took my first breath. The Commonwealth of Dominica, commonly known as Dominica or DA (please please don't confuse us with the Dominica Republic, we are not same).
Super Dominica, my new favourite thing. I feel like she is me, and probably most other Dominicans but I want to be her. She's the embodiment of DA and I feel DA embodies me. P.S: Find out more about Super Dominica and her amazing Caribbeans friends and their adventures. Honestly, you'll love it. I promise
My mum sadly lived in the UK,  so she left DA with me when I about a few months old and I have not managed to return to Dominica since. But after 21 years, and a series of trials and tribulations I had managed to overcome, I decided 2015 was the year I would go home and nothing was going to stop me. Not even the fact it’s pretty expensive and I needed to catch 4 flights: London to Newark; Newark to Charlotte; Charlotte to St Marteen and St Marteen to Dominica (because it's impossible to fly direct to DA from the UK or even some places in the USA). 
After flying 8 hours to New Jersey, I had to catch another three flights, the first leaving at 5am from Newark Airport. Sleep or not to sleep was the most important question of the night. Sleep won. Well, more like, 2 hour power nap before it was time to head to continue my journey home.
As we flew over Dominica, and I got my first glimpse of the island I remember proclaiming 'OMG IS THIS WHAT DOMINICA LOOKS LIKE? LOOKS LIKE WHAT I THOUGHT THE AMAZON RAIN FOREST WOULD LOOK LIKE.' But I was beyond excited and more than ready to step out of this plane and embrace all DA had to offer in the 2 weeks I was there, and I sure did embrace it. Within my first few hours on the island, I understood why DA has been described as 'the hidden gem of the Caribbean' and is also known as the 'Nature Island'. It is simply an exquisite island with so much allure and appeal. Dominica has most definitely captivated my heart, in a way I never a place could, more than I ever expected.

Despite being raised in England I've always considered myself Dominican and have always felt that was my home. I just have this natural affinity towards DA. My heart and soul have yearned for it, for years and years, and as soon as I landed in DA, my heart and soul were jumping for joy. I knew I was home. I felt so relaxed and at peace in way I've never felt in England or anywhere else in the world. I felt like Dominica and all its beauty embraced me in the tightest, warmest hugs anyone could ever get. Home is definitely where the heart is, and visiting DA allowed me to reclaim my heart and since returning to the UK, on a personal level I have grown so much. It's weird to explain but it's amazing being in a place where everyone is just like you from the type of the food we eat, to how we look, a shared identity and unspoken sense of being united as a people.  Even though, I have a lot of black and Caribbean friends in the UK, I don't have many Dominican friends and it's nice being somewhere, where you're surrounded by people whom, despite you might not know, share a connection with you, as we all originated from the same majestic island. And love it equally as much. I just felt so comfortable and free, so comfortable, I spent nearly everyday with my naturally kinky curly hair running wild and no make up on when I wasn't wearing my glasses, which is something I would never do in London. I didn't even care if my forehead or head looked big (I have a massive forehead, and a head which I am sure is abnormally big LOL) or if had gained a few lbs (which I did, but  all the tasty food I was eating, that was given). But I felt soo relaxed in DA, it wasn't a problem.

Whilst this was one of the best holidays of my life, and I had the opportunity "find myself" as cheesy as it sounds. I also got to spend time with my twin/Aunty who I only get to once a year sadly, my big cousin Dalty and see my favourite cousin Meno after a good few years. As well as meet some amazing new family members, and friends including my big giant Denzel, who is definitely one of the most awkward people I've ever met but I honestly love him soo much and can't wait to try visit Canada for some more awkward moments. 

Dalty, Aunty and I. These two helped make my trip so special. Especially my Aunty, who made this trip possible. She the best. And to show my appreciation, I thought I'd share this beautiful picture of us LOL! Because it's not fun taking pretty pictures all the time. Sometimes, be silly. Have a laugh at yourself, it's good for you. 

It was also bittersweet. My paternal granddad who I hadn't seen in about 3 years or so, passed away around 2/3 months after I returned to the UK, and Dominica was devastated by tropical storm Erika (RIP Granddad and all those who lost their life in the storm). But I am soo glad I got to spend, the little time I did with my granddad. As I didn't grow up with him, and didn't really know much about him, which really makes me sad but least I knew him a little and had the chance to have in my life for a short period of time which I will forever appreciate. I knew one thing for sure: how much he loved his family and how much his family loved and cherished him. I'm also grateful I managed to see all the beautiful and splendour of DA before Erika destroyed large parts of my island. 

This picture is so bittersweet, it’s one of the only pictures I have with my granddad, and this was the last time I saw him before he passed. But it’s a memory I'll forever cherish. RIPP and I know you're looking down on all of us smiling and guiding us through life. Granddad was a strong, smart, funny man, a quality that I, and all his children and grandchildren have taken on.
I could talk about DA, why I love it and all the stuff I done forever, but that would make an extremely long post, so I'll save what I done for a future post i'll do at some point and leave you with a few of my favourite pictures :) Enjoy

My beautiful Granny is one the strongest women I know and she's soo cool, using WhatsApp and that! She has the biggest heart ever, and she doesn't make half make me laugh. Getting to spend time with her was definitely a highlight of my trip. This was my last day in DA and Granny swears, we dressed the same 'accidentally' - she just wanted to twin with me, and if I can look this good at her age, well even better <3

This rock which resembles a Lions head is pretty cool. It's random natural gems like this, that makes DA what it is. A true natural beauty

Still trying to find a WIFI connection whilst my big cousin Dalty took my picture at Cabrits National Park 

Meeting new family members is always an experience. Genes are soo strong within my family honestly. Aunty Una (middle) is the spit of my nanny, they could literally be twins. Connie (on the left), too & she makes the best coconut rum punch I've ever had in my life.

At Emerald pool, I was initially too scared go under the waterfall, It looks pretty small but it was really powerful. I did eventually fo under, where I go an ear full of water, the took about a day to randomly come back out - was very very disgusting. Aunty, unlike me was  not scared to climb the rocks and go under the waterfall, Its fine thought, we are literally twins, so when I show people these pictures I can pretend it was me under the waterfall.

Princess Margaret Hospital where baby Keems took her first breath. Visiting the hospital where I was born was like begin able to go back to the beginning of  a book you've been reading for while, to remind yourself of how it all started. According to my cousin, the hospital has changed a lot since '93 (for the better ofc)

This fool Dalton, my crazy big cousin. He definitely played a big role in helping make my trip even more special. He's really something else but has a heart of gold and really makes me laugh, most times at him but often with him too. 

Viewpoint of Roseau (the capital city), I love this kind of view so much. Being up high looking over the towns and cities below, is just a wonderful feeling and can really help put things in perspective. Looking over towns like this, always makes me feel like I wanna make a difference in the world, I dunno why I feel like this when I am looking over places but I just do.
Where do you guys feel most at home? Drop me a comment and let me know. And remember Just smile! Each new day, is a day closer to summer :)

AK x

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Happy Self Love Day.

So, Valentine's day is definitely around the corner. And I'm still single.

This year, I'm changing my outlook. In past years, I've resented Valentines Day, dreading the whole hype surrounding it. The roses, chocolates, flowers, hearts and balloons everywhere. Loved up looking couples looking like they are floating on cloud 9. Honestly, I used to hate it and was semi jealous of all my friends with their partners, and all the blissfully happy looking couples. But as I grow older, I realised I don't hate Valentine's Day, but I do dislike the fuss made around it. Without sounding like some crazy, twisted, bitter, cynical; Valentine's Day, whilst the meaning behind it is beautiful, the actual day has become another overly commercialised holiday. Which has placed too much emphasis on over the top typical romantic gestures, and some people have lost the idea of what true romance is. In recent years, a lot of people have taken Valentine's Day as an opportunity to begin to be overly critical and harshly judge ourselves unfairly. It has created such a pressure on both girls and guys, particularly for those in my generation. Growing up, sometimes it felt you had dropped the F-bomb in church, if you didn't have a Valentines. As I girl I felt like I was ugly or undateable: Why did no-one want to be with me on what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year? And I can't even imagine the pressure some of you guys must have felt; trying to plan something special, buying gifts and even having to build up the courage to ask a someone out (if you didn't already have a partner OFC). 

But it's not all doom and gloom. Despite being single, I'm actually looking forward to Valentine's Day. It's a day of love, and who doesn't love, love. Every year, I always say I want a Valentine's, because in 22 years of living I've never had one. Until I realised, I've had one every year all along: myself. This year I'm going to be my own valentine's. Valentine's is all about love and there's no greater love than self love. I guess it's true what they say, you can't expect others to love you until you love yourself. Self love and the process of cultivating it, is so important. The ability to respect, honor and be compassionate to yourself is a beautiful and powerful thing, and can change your life as well as your relationship with yourself as well as others.

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance" - Oscar Wilde

And that's what I'm learning to do everyday and what better day to start than the most romantic day of the year, and I'm really looking forward to it, pampering myself, spoiling myself, booked myself a yoga class and will be ending my evening with a trip to the cinema with one of my best friends Rhi!

So, for those of you alike, single on Valentines Day, don't be sad. Embrace it. Treat yourself. You don't need someone else to validate or prove how much love you deserve. You deserve an infinite amount of love, everyday not just on Valentine's Day. Don't forget there's always next year! And for those of you with a Valentine's, I hope you have an amazing loved filled day but the take home message still applies. Self love is key and the most important relationship you'll ever have! :)

So, in the words of Justin Beiber "You should go and love yourself" Just Smile & Happy Valentine's/Self Love Day guys ♡♡

Ak x

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Boys - Goldfishes in disguise?

Did you know that a Goldfish has a memory span of 3-7 seconds? Yep, well I'm beginning to think the same can be said for boys, or as I might start calling them boyfishes.

Mortensen, P. (2010, June 9). Goldfish Memory. The Fishbowl Experiment: 
So, last week I took part in a group interview (for a job didn't get sadly), but part of the activities included a section of telling us about yourself. There was about 25 of us in total, who all got up to voluntarily share any information they felt they wanted us to know. One guy, let's call him X (because I honestly can't remember his name anyway), got up to introduce himself, and proclaimed to the group a number of facts about himself, include his relationship status "I'm kind of single, its complicated with my baby mother" - his exact words. Pretty obvious, what that means right?! 
Now, lets fast forward about an hour or so, the workshop is over now, and I'm trying to get home because I'm tired and hungry and super hungry but not quite hangry yet! As I make my way towards M&S because they do the nicest Belgian chocolate cheesecake slice ever, and as I said I was super hungry. Anyway, I hear guy X calling my name and I try act like I didn't hear him, but boys being boys didn't take the hint, and ran over tapping on the shoulder. Reluctantly, I stopped, my hunger turning into to hangry with each passing second. Being the polite young lady I am, I entertained a little bit of his chit chat, but after about 5 minutes, guy X began to compliment me and eventually asked for my number. If you could have seen the look on my face, you would have turned around and ran away.

But wait! Okay, so lets rewind - "I'm kind of single, its complicated with my baby mother" 
I honestly just wanted to laugh so hard. It was only an hour or so ago, this same stupid boy, I mean boyfish, professed his complicated relationship with his baby mum. I simply proceeded to ask about his baby mum, and imagine what X said "Narh, I'm single you know, but my baby mum think's it complicated" 

Long story short, after explaining to him I'm only 22, please I don't need nor want this complication in my life, he did not get my number.  But it did get me thinking about why boys and their lies. Seriously, I get it, everybody lies but sometime I swear some of these boyfishes lie the worst. Honestly, its like they lie, then literally after taking a breath forget the lie and tell a completely different lie, there isn't even any overlap of the new lie with the previous lie. They are two completely different lies. The only explanation is that boys are goldfishes, physically incapable of remember there lies!

Now, don't get me wrong I know its not just boys who lie, us girls are no angels and some girls are the worlds biggest liars. I've told my fair share of little white lies, a one or two big black lies, but when I lie, I remember them, unlike a lot of guys (and a few girls) I've encountered. But some of the lies, I've heard boyfishes say, not only to myself but other girls and boys, just makes you think damn, some of them don't even make sense and its a completely different story! I could honestly, write an 10,000 word essay on all the small, stupid lies I've heard but we'd be here all night and no one has time for that!


So ladies, (fellas too, I'm not sexist, my post are for all sexes), what's the most rubbish blatant weak a** lie you've been told? Feel free to share and drop me some comments below.
               Remember lying is wrong guys and girls. But if your gonna lie, make sure you lie good!!!                                             
Just smile 
AK x

Friday, January 01, 2016

NYE - Hit or Miss?

Everyone always makes such a big deal out of NYE, but does it ever live up to anyone's expectations? People always create such a hype of the NYE celebrations, but does anyone really know what they are celebrating or have they just brought into the idea of NYE and celebrating the end of another year with no deeper meaning? 

On NYE, I spent the night indoors third wheeling (as I do best) with my best friend and her boyfriend - I'm sure I am now a professional third wheeler - who else can relate/share my pain LOL? Anyway, whilst it sure beat staying at home alone, I pretended it was a great NYE but on the inside I was dying, not because I didn't want to be with my best friend but because being indoors whilst everyone was out having fun on NYE, just reminded me of all the times before that I had no motivation or desire to be anywhere but my bed, the times I would hide and seclude myself from the world, because the mere idea of having fun was at the time incomprehensible to me - how could I have fun when I had no desire to around anyone, no desire to talk to anyone, in fact I had pretty much no emotions at all. Plus, midnight kiss + third wheeling = some awkward silence and avoidance of eye contact for about a minute or two. I guess kissing yourself counts but doesn't really do anything to quash the realization, your still single haha.

While I'm not normally the biggest fan of going out clubbing, I kind of really wanted to go out for the first time on NYE, I know its overpriced, overrated and overly busy - I still kind of wanted to be around all my girl, dance around in heels we can't even walk in and dab in the clubs. For me, having spent much of 2015, 2014, 2013, and probably the year before that in the depths of my depression, I wanted to end 2015 and start 2016 with an over the top BANG! For me, going out on NYE more symbolised me going back to the fun loving, outgoing, confident girl I was before depression reared its ugly shadow over my life and in a weird way, say goodbye to the depressed girl and hello back to an ever growing and improving girl.

BUT on the plus side, it wasn't the worst NYE ever and I saved a lot of money, ate some good food. After leaving my best friend’s house, I went home and a little cry - come on now, it wouldn't be a celebration for a depressed person without a few tears. In the end, a quiet night in turned out to be exactly what I needed, first of all I didn't have a massive hangover was able to write this post. But it gave me time to think and evaluate what I wanted my 2016 to be like. I set some new goals, readjusted my focus and had a slight pep in step and life. I felt more concentrated and ready to tackle my problems head on. Who knew a crying session on NYE could be so beneficial, it was like my tears we’re all the bad times I had in 2015 finally washing away and allowing me to evolve into the woman I am supposed to be. So I guess, NYE for me, started off as a miss, but in hindsight it was definitely a hit!

Drop me some comments to let me know how your NYE was and remember Just smile!!
AK x