Tuesday, March 08, 2016

At Least Out Loud I Won't Say I'm in Love

For anyone that knows me, they all know for years I've always firmly denied that I've ever
been in love. But I think that's because I know I was always in denial and didn't wanna admit the truth.

Everyone, both girls and guys will always have that one person they always seem to be drawn back to, no matter how many years have gone past or what's happened. Some people may be lucky that their person is decent. I unfortunately have a troll. And it's hard to explain to your friends. Despite the fact that I know they all have their one person, when they hear about my situation they always judge because they know I deserve much better but it's easier said than done.

So, guys. It's finally time to admit the truth. As I'm writing this I can feel the tears trickling down my face. When I was 16/17 I met a boy. Even though it was 5 years ago. I still remember the very first time I saw him, I turned to my best friend and said 'This is the most beautiful boy I've ever seen' and that was the start. The start of 5 long years of disappointment, in not only him but myself and 5 long years of heartbreak. J was a good guy, he just weren't that good to me. He had me dangling on a cliff edge, waiting for him to finally pick me, but he never did. I managed to do it myself. When I first met J, I was young and naïve. I think that contributed to why I fell in love him. I'm not even sure, why, how or when I fell in love with him. But love is unpredictable, random and makes no sense, it just creeps up on you when you least expect it.

After a few months of 'talking' on BBM *cringe* and a couple 'links' I remember once asking him, if I’ll ever be his girlfriend and I remember his reply of ‘I’m not ready for a relationship yet, I wanna stop smoking, get a car and save some money.’ As I said I was young and naïve. I believed him and I thought if I wanted long enough, he would eventually be ready for a relationship and ready to be with me.

But was, I wrong. Now I am older and look back on it, I can’t believe how stupid I was. To the point, I wasn't dating anyone else proper, would be dating people but still talking to and thinking about J, comparing them to him. Subconsciously, I think I messed up a few potential relationships because of fantasies I had about him & I. Heck I would even cut some off for J, when unbeknownst to me, pretty much the whole time I knew him, he had/has a girlfriend (*sighs* I won't go into too much detail but he only told me, 3 and a half years after we first met, but by then I was in love him, hence why it took me another year and half to get to this point. That, and now he is about to be a Dad. A big fat wake up call for sure).

This situation with J has taught me soo much. The biggest thing I learnt, was that if someone isn’t ready for you now, don’t wait. There's a high chance they’ll never be ready, especially not a for a relationship with you. Most people don't always think they are ready for a relationship, but when the right one comes along, they'll realise they were ready all along, just needed the right person. I wasn't the right person for J. Nothing I could do or say and no matter how long I waited, would change that. 

By why now? Well I've recently completed an 8 week course of counselling and started mediation, and it's really help clarify things in my head. Its helped me focus on what is important and what's not. I really evaluated a lot of things in my life, including the situations I focus, which I probably shouldn't focus on. Most importantly, its given me the tools to cope with certain situations and recognize when certain situations aren't beneficial to me. My love for J is one of them. So it's time to set our story free, close the book and say goodbye. Plus, its officially spring time; what better time to have a clear out of the house and the mind. This topic has been gathering dust in my heart and mind and it's take to clear it out, move on and to make space for new and hopefully better things.

So going back to my original statement. Have I ever been in love? Yes? Will I ever admit it? No! What I had with J wasn't love. And I'm not, not admitting out of shame but because I don't want to associate love with those feelings. What I had for J wasn't normal, it wasn't the right type or even real love. Most of the time I'm not even sure it was ever reciprocated. Love shouldn't feel like that. Love shouldn't make me feel confused, worthless, unsure or sad. So when I fall in love for the first time I want it to feel good, the way it should. I don't want my love for someone else to be tainted by the confusion love I had for J.

This basically sums up how I feel about J. 
Despite all the lies and hurts he's caused me, I have some wonderful memories of him. Despite every iota of my body, and my friends telling me I should hate him. I just don't. I can't and I don't think I ever will. But I'm glad. Hate always ends up consuming and affecting the person who is hating. I don’t want to be bitter. If I hate J, I’ll never be able to move on with my life and forget him. If I was to hate him that hate in my heart would take away from the love I could be giving to someone who deserves and wants it. Hate for him, might mean I project some of that hate onto future partners. Blaming them for stuff, they didn't do because I'm thinking and comparing them to J, and I don’t want that. And most importantly hating him won’t affect him at all. Hating him won't make him leave his girlfriend and soon to be baby. I wouldn't even want him now anyway. The best revenge is moving on, being happy and focusing on me.

The only sad thing is. Despite the fact I'm not currently talking to him. I know I'll never forget him, he'll always have a tiny place in my heart, simply for the fact he was my first love. I'm not even sure, I'll never not speak to him again. Even though that's what my head (and friends) all say I should do, my stupid heart doesn't listen.

And the lifelong battle head vs heart ensues. Normally I'm the biggest advocator for listening to your heart but in this case, I'm really hoping, eventually my head wins. But I feel happier and stronger in myself, to know I deserve better. J doesn't deserve me and I don't need him. I don't want to go back to that situation. I miss him like crazy at the moment but I'll get over it. I feel I'm finally in the place to let go, move on and spread my wings and open my arms and heart for future love. I'm ready to say goodbye.

On the plus side, this post has allowed me to use all the meme's I've had saved from one of my favourite Disney songs from Hercules (which is also one my favourites)

Ever been in denial about love? Tell me your experiences of love. Whether you're in love, nursing a heartbreak or somewhere in the middle like me, never forget to smile :)

AK x